Like most people, I like to think that I’m in
control of myself. And most of the time,
I am. (Of course that’s me saying it;
there might be others in my acquaintance who’d disagree from time to time. But this is my blog, so I get the final say on
what’s true and what’s not.) But there
are moments when I lose control, and those moments are always very
uncomfortable to me. This week, I’m
talking specifically about crying.
I
spent a good amount of time on Thursday night in tears. Now you might say that there is nothing wrong
with a good cry, but I would have to say that yes, there is, especially when
you are expected to take charge of a situation.
This was definitely the case—I was on the clock at my job, and the
problem that was upsetting me was something I had to take care of as the
manager on duty. But there I was, hiding
in the office and trying to stop crying long enough for my eyes to not be red
anymore. Any expression of sympathy set
me off again.
I
wanted to be reasonable and firm, to be able to talk about the problem and come
to an acceptable solution. Failing that,
I at least wanted to be angry and put the offending party in their place. I don’t even really understand why I was
crying—up until that point, it had been a good night, and I can only remember
one other slightly stressful encounter that might have contributed to the problem. But wherever they were coming from, the tears
just keep coming.
When
you’re alone and having that good, cleansing cry that I mentioned earlier, you
don’t care much about what you look like.
Not so in this situation—I was deeply aware of my shaking voice, my
swollen eyes, and my trembling mouth and chin.
Plus, this was the first time I’ve ever really had to worry about
streaks of mascara. I went into the
office and closed the door, sitting in the dark and covering my mouth to muffle
the sobs. I don’t tell you this to elicit sympathy (although we are always accepting donations) but to give you
an idea about how humiliating I found it.
The tears made me feel weak, and I was worried that my coworkers would
consider me to be using them as manipulation to get what I wanted. It wasn’t the case—all I wanted was to mop
myself up and get my work done so I could go home.
I’ve
done a bit of research on crying. Tears
are always an emotional response, but not just to sadness or hurt. Everyone knows that sometimes people respond
to beautiful things with tears, and then there are “angry tears” which occur
when you believe you’ve been treated unfairly.
I think this last was the primary motivation to my own breakdown. I don’t often cry—I get teary fairly often,
when I am watching a sad movie or recalling a touching memory, but the
out-and-out crinkly-faced tear fest is something I rarely indulge in. Before this, I don’t think I’ve really cried
since last year. That being said, I
usually feel much better after I have cried.
Well, maybe the next day.
I
think what bothered me most about this instance was that it happened in
public. I didn’t like others to see me
that way, and that embarrassment contributed to the problem. Is that vain of me? Maybe.
But I think it’s natural to want others to see you a certain way, and
when your own actions might diminish the image you’ve built for yourself, it
can be upsetting.
My
solution? I’m falling back on one of the
mottos of my childhood: “get over it.”
It may sound harsh, but it works.
Once I’d calmed down that night—and yes, I did get all my work done—I realized
it wasn’t all that big of a deal. Yes, I
was hurt by someone else’s actions, and those feelings were and are valid, but
I know now that the insult wasn’t intentional or personal. It was just a mess, and messes are common
when you’re human. All I can do is take
my short end of the stick and run with it, and eventually things will look
better. That is something else that I’ve
learned—that messes do tend to get cleaned up over time. Just look at me—dry-eyed and streak-free. That being said, I might in future be investing in a better waterproof mascara.
If you're interested in reading the articles about crying that I looked at, you can find them here:
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