Train of Thought: Assessing an Assessment

I am currently stuck in the briar thicket of looking for a job.  This is my third career assessment in two weeks, and it certainly will not be the last.  You know, those tests where you answer what seem to be pointless questions with "agree, disagree" or sometimes "slightly agree, strongly agree" etc.  I was getting a little fed up.  So now, I give you a running commentary on a career assessment.

• First question is “Low pay can cause honest people to steal.”  Huh?  You really want to start out with that one, guys?  Okay.  Well, I disagree.  I think low pay causes honest people to look for another job…
• No one is never in a bad mood.
• “There are seven days in a week.”  What the hell kind of people fill these things out?
• “You like to look beyond the facts of a situation to see the underlying cause.”  Um, what.  This does not make sense to me.  The facts of a situation will lead you to the cause.  You can’t look beyond them.
• People should not have to understand that you can’t do all you said you would.  If you said it, then do it.
• I guess it’s true that there’s no point in trying to anticipate things before they happen, but damn is it fun.
• Doesn’t everyone make decisions sometimes that they later regret?
• I really hate these because they tend to state things in absolutes.  “Never”, “everyone” and “always” are all over the place.  No, I can’t say that “everyone” I know likes me, but then if I put “disagree” to that, it looks like nobody likes me.
• “Criticism never bothers you.”  Criticism bothers everyone, even if they are able to put it aside later.  Who writes these things, and for what kind of people?
• “At work, many people are up to no good.”  This makes me laugh.  Up to no good?  What are we, marauders?
• I think the writers of this thing are determined to catch the bitter, cynical people in the world before they come for an interview.  “Everyone lies.”  “Everyone is up to no good.”  “The world sucks.”  Well, that last one wasn’t in there, but I’m assuming it’s implied.
• They’re also trying to catch the arrogant.  “Everyone likes me.”  “All of my decisions were the right ones.”
• Hmm, do I err on the side of perfectionism, or carelessness?  Again, there seems to be no room for middle ground.
• I kinda wish there were a little meter in the corner that says “We’ll call you in ten minutes” on one side and on the other “Go back under your rock, scum of the earth.”  It would be nice to have an idea about how I’m doing.
• Welp, now they know I’m an introvert.  Inching over towards “scum of the earth” there.
• And no, folks, there are not fifty hours in a day.  Unless you’re speaking metaphorically, as in “I get so much done in a day that it feels like there are fifty hours”?  Well either way, it’s “disagree.”
• You know, listening to Train during this is deeply comforting.  “You make everything all right.”  Thank you, Train.  I’m glad to know that I do something right.
• Being nice to people is a sign of weakness?  Talk about ultimate paranoia.
• NO ONE NEVER LOSES STUFF.  NO ONE.
• They don’t expect me to know the number of days in a month, either.  Oy.
• Yes, seventeen years of education and I can count to ten.
• I agreed with “People who always follow the rules do not advance their careers” when I remembered the well-loved Hollins quote, “Well-behaved women rarely make history.”  Of course, I would much rather make history than advance my career.
• These things tend to repeat themselves, too, with different wording.  I see what you’re trying to do there, guys, and I promise my answer hasn’t changed.  I still don’t really care what people think of me.  Well, I do a little.  But you don’t allow “a little”, do you?  DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY.
• Oh, excuse me, I have to rock out to “If It’s Love.”  Okay, now I’m back.
• Why do people assume that emotions “get in the way” of important decisions?  To me, emotions are a big part of every decision I make.
• MORE “NEVER” RAHHHHHRRRRRRR.
• “You can read well enough to complete this survey.”  If I couldn’t, think I would have made it to question 88?
• Now this one is interesting.  I think I am indeed the type of person who makes others feel like talking.  Maybe I just put out a “listener” kind of vibe.  I like that; I like to listen for people.
• No, I do not take the time to check my work, because usually I am confident in the quality of my first effort.  But do you have a “fill-in-the-blank” section where I can explain that?  Noooo.
• Hahaha.  “How do you feel about a job where you will be asked to develop an extensive knowledge of wine so you can educate our guests?”  Why, I “would do it and enjoy it.”  Most honest response I’ve given all through this thing.
• Ooh, role play, this is interesting.  Okay, a group of guests say they had bad service.  Should I tattle on their server, run for the manager, ask them to fill out a survey (SURVEYS ARE FUN), or ask them to give the place another chance, despite the reams of restaurants in the area?  Tough choice.
• Next question: on a busy day, should I be obnoxious, point out the obvious, cause confusion, or be helpful?  Again, tough choice.
• Apparently, “smile and have great eye contact” is not a request, thank you.

Whew, that was rough.  But in its own way, amusing.  Making fun of something frustrating is cleansing, somehow.  I suppose I have a little bit of cynicism in myself, too.  Maybe a little.  Stay tuned, sports fans, to find out whether or not I am the scum of the earth.