I turn thirty this month. It’s not something that bothers me—I’m proud of my years—but it has made me rather introspective in the past few days. This is not the only milestone I will hit this month, either, as I step into a new role in my work life. New beginnings and their accompanying endings always make me think back over the time that’s passed, and I’ve come to a realization. Ever since I was fourteen, there has been some big change in my life every four years: high school, college, first job, second job, and now this change. So now I’m wondering what characterized each of those periods in my life, and what I learned about myself in each one.
I was very quiet and awkward in high school. I knew for the most part what I wanted to do with my life, but I was also absolutely unsure of how to do it. Writing was my focus and my passion, but it didn’t come easily—I remember a few heartbreaking moments of computer failure where a novel vanished into the ether, and my one chance to give my writing to a professional resulted in his scornful tirade against my chosen genre. My social life was all but nonexistent. I think the most important lesson I learned in those years was the comfort that can be found in music—I sang in two choirs, learned piano, and ended every school day in the refuge of the band room. Music was what got me through.
My college years, however, were an explosion of joy and transformation. Though for a while I remained quiet and awkward, soon I learned a bit of my own self-worth and formed friendships that last to this day. I expanded my mind and started to look more carefully at people around me, seeing their troubles and concerns and not just how they impacted my own life. I traveled to Europe, climbed mountains, and continued to sing. Most importantly, I found joy in writing, both in poetry and prose. It was during those years that I built a foundation of understanding my own craft that would serve me well later on.
The years post-graduation were off to a rocky start, as the only job I could get was waiting tables. There was a lot to dislike about serving, but it did force me to manage uncomfortable situations and really learn how to talk to strangers (something other people maybe learn much earlier, but not one of my skills at that point). I also learned the hard way how to be an adult—managing finances, keeping my apartment clean, finding my own happiness. I remember this time as a time of struggle and worry, but it was in these years that I met the friends who have been the closest and most loyal ever since, and I also started on the first novel project that I really believed might be successful someday.
Almost four years ago now, my restaurant shut down, and I moved instead to a small local business as a manager. These last four years have been happier, but they’ve had their own troubles, most of those coming from my relationships (or lack thereof) with specific people. This period of my life has been the first that I’ve really encountered anyone I couldn’t reconcile our differences or get away from. I’ve been fortunate (?) enough to deal with two such people long-term in these years, and I’m learning (because I don’t think I’ve fully internalized the lesson yet) that you can’t please everyone. I have a lot of faith in people, but there comes a time that for the sake of your own well-being, you have to draw a boundary and say, “Enough.” Fortunately, I have that opportunity now. Meanwhile these four years have taught me to look inside myself to really understand why I do what I do. I’ve accepted my own limitations and found ways around them, and I feel more confident than ever. Maybe that’s a gift from those difficult people, who forced me to think a little more before I spoke and consider how I wanted to respond to them.
Looking forward, I’m taking on a role with more responsibility and independence than ever before. I’m excited rather than nervous, although I’m certain that the nerves will come. I feel sure, however, that I will be able to establish a good atmosphere and make my workplace a positive, friendly place. And once it begins to feel normal, I’m hopeful that I can turn to my writing again in a way I haven’t been able to in the turmoil of the last few months. With an established routine and a tranquil spirit, I am optimistic that I will be able to build on the crumbs of success I’ve received so far.
At almost thirty, I’m still awkward, but not really quiet anymore. I know what I have to say and how best to say it for maximum effect. I call myself a writer and don’t feel like I’m lying. I comfort myself with music and with poetry. I’m learning more about the world every day, seeking out new knowledge and new perspectives. And I know that the world is struggling right now and that nothing can be certain, but I think that these next four years will have good things for me, or at least good things to teach me. So I’m looking forward to revisiting this idea in 2024, to see what changes will come in the next phase of my life.
